Tag Archives: relationships

“Does she ever think to thank me?”

Men and women have very different emotional needs in a relationship. Women need love through emotional and physical attentiveness and intimacy. Men need love too but for them love is synonymous with Respect. Of course, all healthy relationships need mutual respect. Men however, feel so much more valued, important and empowered when a woman gives him respect.
It helps them to feel better about themselves, it pushes them to work harder to achieve, they begin to feel more valued, and interestingly, your respect makes them want to do more. Does this sound simple? It is, and it works.
Since women have infiltrated the professional world, and can be fiercely independent, often they overlook or don’t want to provide this needed respect. Many of the couples I see in therapy have this underlying issue. Very often, the husband just doesn’t feel needed or respected for his role, and his role as a man is overlooked. Recently, a man stated to me in session: “You know, I know my wife works hard and she earns, but damn it would be nice once in awhile if she told me that she appreciated how much “I” earn or how hard “I” work and and how much she appreciates when she goes to the grocery store, and doesn’t have to look at the prices, like the money just magically is there”. Unlike men, women require much more emotional sustainment, yet a simple demonstration or verbalization of respect toward your man once in a while goes a long long way. As I always say to my female clients who are often resistant to this idea, ” Hey, can you put your pride aside and throw him a bone once in while? tell him he’s a good provider that you appreciate how hard he works. Let him have some control over big decisions, and help him feel like a man”. When they do follow my suggestion it’s transformational. As I stated, lots of women don’t want to put their pride aside. “But I work hard too, I don’t need to hear that why should I tell him that, what about my needs?” Because it’s what he NEEDS that’s why. You need to snuggle, you need to hear your attractive, you need flowers or gifts or cards, texts, phone calls. He needs this. Provide it. It takes very little of your emotional energy to do this.
And by the way, if you can say something positive in front of others, that’s a cherry on the top. He will feel like a King, stronger, unstoppable, and will WANT to do more for you and be happier in your relationship. So ladies, tell your man he’s great. Complement him on his abilities. When he does something that demonstrates good judgment tell him! Show him Respect. The love you need will come, and you will find that you will happier as well.

Simple Rules for Communication

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It’s hard to know how to argue. We learn from our parents, and if that tells you anything like most of us, it’s a skill that requires learning. If you follow these basics I promise you that communication becomes easier. I’m talking about how to talk not solving the issue itself.

1. No Name Calling: Do I need to list these? Nah

2. No Interrupting: Let the other person finish. Interruption when a person is trying to share their view STOPS the process and doesn’t allow the other person to be heard. Bite your lip. If you are talking or thinking about what to say next, you are not listening.

3. No Character Assassination:  These are allegations that the person you are fighting with might be a bad or unpopular member of his family, have a bad relationship with his or her friends, co-workers or children or is not respected by his colleagues.  Or that he/she had issues with his or her X that was similar. Not nice, not needed.

4. No Physical Violence: No hitting, throwing of objects, punching, scratching, spitting, you get it.

5. No Leaving the Room: Unless you are going to give yourself a time out to cool off, leaving in the middle of an argument is a power move and avoidance. It makes the other person feel unimportant, disrespected, and cut off. If you feel things are not getting anywhere and escalating, tell the person you’re arguing with that you need time to cool off AND (this is key) TELL THEM WHEN YOU WILL RETURN TO FINISH THE DISCUSSION AND WHEN It should be within 24 hours at the latest. An hour or two would be best. Or if you’re really good 10 minutes should do. Otherwise the topic never gets fully discussed and goes subterranean. Only to come up another time, most likely in the middle of your next fight

6. No Switching:  This occurs a lot when I see couples and it sounds like this:  

Person A ” When you leave stuff on the floor in the bedroom, it makes me feel irritated. I have asked you to work on this and you keep doing it! ”  

Person B “OMG are you kidding me? You leave your dishes everywhere in the house, your one to talk”.

Switching STOPS the process and will easily send you both onto another million tangents that you both are angry about. Lots of couples do this. If you want to bring up an issue bring it up SEPARATELY or at another time. Not this time.

7. No Abusive Language:  In other words no cuss words or vulgarity. It’s easy to say things like this when we are angry. The only thing this does is give us release but in doing so, it  shows disrespect toward the other person and STOPS the process. Use words that mean the same thing. I know it’s hard to find another work for “fuck!”   (My personal favorite), there are a zillion other things you can say when things are heated.