How does it feel…REALLY?

To experience such intense private desperation inside that you want to end your life? To be such a tortured soul that not even a pin of light can be hoped for or any chance of ever getting out from under yourself. You become the source of your own darkness and despair. You blame yourself. A hostage to your sadness with no end in sight. How does it feel to be so profoundly depressed?
I suppose It would be like you finding out that you just WON 100 million dollars: OR that you just LOST everything you have. Your reaction would be exactly the same. Complete indifference to either scenario. That’s a glimpse into the sheer flatness of the way you feel and experience the world. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing.
Your compass is broken, you are so swallowed up by your own distorted thoughts and hopeless cognitions that your perception changes. Completely.
Those who suffer from depression try anything for relief. Robin Williams, and so many others famous or not, (who suffer from bipolar disorder, depression, or another mood disorder on the spectrum) use alcohol or drugs to self medicate, and try to escape from this feeling. Robin Williams did this with cocaine and alcohol. Then of course a secondary problem of substance abuse or addiction emerges, then you end up with two problems. Depression and substance abuse or addiction. This is called being dually diagnosed, and requires care from those who are trained in both addiction and mental health. One feeds off the other. For those who have never really experienced what it’s like to hit an emotional wall it’s similar to a huge truck going 70 mph striking a piece of glass shattering it into pieces. Then you learn you have glue all those hundreds of shards and broken pieces back together with no tools or template, and your can’t see very well. It’s overwhelming, it can be just too much. In the wake of Robin Williams suicide, by asphyxiation (hanging) watching news coverage, hearing the reactions of fans, journalists and celebrity physicians, it makes me sad how often those who appear so happy and so put together on the outside, can be so very distressed. Depression comes from the INSIDE not the outside. It does not matter how wonderful or fortunate the individual appears to be. I always tell my clients who compare their insides to other people’s outsides that you never really know anyone’s private hell. Its not always the ones who look like crap, or don’t go to work, or have few outlets or friends. Mental illness crosses money lines, class lines, cultural lines, religious and spiritual lines, right wing, left wing, in the center. The homeless guy down the street, the well put together woman in the cubical next to yours at work, or the amazingly gifted and loved comedian and actor, Mr. Robin Williams.
Very often it is a person you never thought was troubled by life at all. Suffering happens deep inside and most often can’t been seen.
There is always hope. There is always a way out, there is a way to get beyond it. For some, they just couldn’t make it or see it.
Be compassionate to the angry bitchy woman who you interact with in the workplace, or your neighbor who can never move her head to make eye contact with you. You just don’t know the private pain people carry around everyday.
Being nice or reaching out with a kind word can make a difference in their life. Even if it’s just a moment. I have heard that those moments can change a persons day or even their faith in humanity. 


10 thoughts on “How does it feel…REALLY?”

  1. I have many times heard people after learning of one’s suicide say things like “but she was so pretty”, “he had so much going for him”, “how could this happen he had an amazing family”. Comments like these show the pure ignorance so many have around suicide, depression and mental illness.
    How can one believe that someone would choose to struggle so much internally? We all have struggles, daemons, battles to fight, ect… However when coupled with depression or an anxiety disorder they can control and almost become someone’s life. That “piece” inside feels so burdensome and scary. It can manifest itself into something often one feels is so beyond there control their only exit is from life itself.
    I hope as society comes to an understanding that our struggles (be that mental health, sexuality, past history, ect..) should never be judged. Every person deserves to be understood for what they are, believe in and represent to the world.
    Perhaps as we all understand more it will be easier for individuals to seek help. No one deserves to live a life filled with sadness, fear, anxiety, illness. Sadly, many do.
    I believe if we all talk about it more and stop feeling ashamed of our feelings or the judgment that may be passed when they are expressed that would be a step in the right direction to helping those who struggle.


    1. Very well stated. Thank you for sharing your personal,
      profound & honest insight. I agree there is much
      education to be done about mental illness and those who
      struggle with it. It is an invisible and heavy secret in
      which many struggle

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I love what you wrote and it speaks to the meat of the stigma and the issues.
      Your right no one deserves to live in pain and quiet suffering or sadness. Life is too short. Thank you Blanks


  2. I also suffer from bipolar and obsessive compulsive disorder. I have been on medication for the past twenty-eight years. I have also been suicidal.

    You post is very accurate in expressing the emotions of the depressed. The feeling that I had was that nothing made sense; the good, the bad the indifferent. I have found that by looking outward, trying to help others, has taken me to a better place. ~ Dennis


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