10 simple guidelines.
1. Invest in a Good Wardrobe.
Even if it’s a few items that you can mix and match. A few pairs of high quality shoes, a couple of nice coats or jackets good jeans, and several button up high end shirts to mention a few. Clothes are important and make a huge impression. Purge those college clothes and the warn out tennis shoes along with buying new t-shirts to name a few.
2) Be Respectful to Women.
I hear a lot of stories about men at happy hours, and professional networking functions, particularly in sales and marketing who make sexually obnoxious comments to women. These men seem to think their comments are “great pick-up lines” and that woman actually enjoy their inappropriate remarks. In reality these comments are experienced as tasteless, tacky and disrespectful. Women talk among themselves about the men that behave this way and these men create very repugnant reputations for themselves. Often among their male colleagues as well. They are seen as cocky jackasses and are avoided and disliked. Be respectful and kind. Women already get barraged with crass inappropriate comments and yours won’t be uniquely funny. Don’t be surprised if you don’t get that sale, don’t make that network connection, or if you find yourself standing alone with a cocktail. No matter how good you may think you look or how successful you may think you are. The woman you disrespected may end up being your boss one day.
3. Have Impeccable Hygiene.
There is nothing worse then dirty jagged nails, (toes included please) hair that is not groomed, or cut with a modern style, and/or teeth that are not cared for. Your smile is the first thing a women sees. If your teeth are off color get them whitened, brush them, floss, use mouthwash. If you have ear or nose hair trim it up. And by the way, it’s common for men nowadays to man scape. Women wax, tweeze, shave, and pluck. It goes both ways.
4. Actively Listen. Even if what she is saying you find completely boring or unimportant. Try to listen or at least fake it. It’s how women connect. While you may be thinking about having sex with her and how you can make that happen, slow your head down and at least try to be attentive, ask questions, act interested. The biggest turn off to a woman is feeling ignored, not listened to, or having you talk about yourself the entire night. Woman know when a man isn’t listening and ps we all know you want to have sex. You don’t have to say it, infer it, make sexual comments or be overly anxious about it. I can tell you this; sex is not going to happen unless you engage even minimally on an emotional attentive level.
5. Get your own place.
I see way too many single or divorced men between the ages of 30 and 40 who live with a few other guys. This is not a very positive reflection that you are a strong, mature, and independent man. Even if it’s a studio apartment, you need a place that is your own. Time to grow up.
6. Stop Getting Drunk or High on a regular basis. After 30 you have hopefully done your share of binge drinking and pot smoking with your bros. Its just not attractive and women don’t like it. It’s seen as immature, irresponsible and boring. If your going to drink pace yourself. Two to Three drinks should be enough. Remember that alcohol is a beverage, like soda or water.
7. Return all texts or phone calls.
Women are big communicators often about nothing specific, we talk to connect. Men generally use phone communication for a specific purpose (what time to meet, who’s going, resolving questions or conflicts, etc).
If you can’t talk, don’t like to text, or don’t want to talk, be brief yet honest in your response that your not into texting and you dont like to stay on the phone, or your not a phone person. Ignoring a call or text is passive aggressive and is seen as rejection, being blown off or just not very nice.
If your not interested at all man up and tell her your not feeling it, your not interested or just don’t like texting.
8. Don’t Eye other women when you are in her presence. Period. Now this seems fairly obvious no?
Unfortunately it happens all the time. Hold your roving eye please.
It’s rude and dismissive. Look on your own time. Let’s compare it to a woman reading a magazine during sex with you.
9. Be chivalrous. Hold doors, hold her chair out, hold your tongue with over use of obscenities, or swear words. Compliment her, hold her hand, and please make the first kiss introductory, rather then one that is overly aggressive like you want to have sex.
10. Avoid the Hook Up. Nowadays we are in a hookup culture. Sadly, this leaves little time for intimacy, the development of feelings, true understanding of the other person and figuring out if you really like them and results in just sex. If that’s what you are into after 30, good luck finding a woman who is a woman of substance.
Sex is always so much better when it’s got something behind it. A bit of history and experiences. I encourage all women I see who are dating; young women, divorcees, widows, etc. to try to wait to have sex for the first time when dating someone, until at least 4-5 months into the relationship. I know that seems radical by today’s standards. It does however weed a lot of potential problematic mismatches.
As a therapist I can say there are more marriages that have serious problems with intimacy issues, lack of communication, and problems with parenting because the couple didn’t really get to know one another on a deep level early on. Then if you get married guess what ? It’s not unusual for your equipment to stop working as well. Or because there is no emotional connection she’s just not interested.
I have treated couples who have not had sex in 1-10 years. It is important to have a foundation to really know your partner and be satisfied in your relationship. Otherwise, I may see you on my purple couch in the future.